Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
