dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
