i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
