my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
