I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
