Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
