He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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