my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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