yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
