I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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