just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
