Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize