so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize