I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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