Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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