I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
