I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
