I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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