Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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