Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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