I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize