I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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