god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
