So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
