Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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