You smell like stripper and shame
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
