Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
