Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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