well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
