and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
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