You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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