toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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