soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize