If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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