so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
