this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
