I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
