My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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