So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
