At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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