you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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