I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
