ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
