Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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