If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So much Jack, so little girl.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
