my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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