I can tuck mytits in my pants
i love accidental penises.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
