I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
