found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
