I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
