What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
