Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
