Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
