I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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