textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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