What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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