My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
