I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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