There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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