Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How does it feel to date your dad?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
