Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
