Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
