things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
