He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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