3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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