My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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