I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
